England's Dreaming

Libertines_freedom_003Kate Moss scrapes former Libertine and admitted crack addict and junkie off of the London pavement and whisks  him off to her Cotswold mansion for some wild druggie lovin'.  Yay for Crack and dope.  Like e-harmony for cool people.  (Evening Standard)  (Sun)

Amazon.uk is reporting a run on Happy Mondays albums since Bez, the group's infamous dancer, mascot and chemist, has appeared on celebrity big brother.  Bez himself seems to be having a rough time locked in the house however, and he nor any the Mondays, for that matter, will probably make any money from the revival.  Hey, as long as Warner's is happy.  (Manchester Online)

Err, surely, the worst defense of Prince Harry's "party nazi" gaffe so far -- from some royal hanger-on  -- "You could argue that it was a good thing Harry wore that costume. After all it highlighted the whole debate about Auschwitz—and that's a positive thing, surely."  Indubitably, dumbass  (blood running a bit thin, eh?).  (NOTW)

Dropping a Line and a Dime

It's raining in the tropical locale that we are currently vacationing in so we thought we´d drop in with a quick blind item that we picked up before we went away from a longtime downtown fixture that we´ll call ¨Mr. Burns;¨  which oh so pretty frontman of a one-time very popular alt-rock favorite - who claimed to have ¨conquered his demons¨ -- was reportedly so busted lately that he stole his drug dealers cigarettes from the latter´s house?  And I bet you girls still would want to fuck him.  Oh yeah, and you must ¨read´´ Tatum O´Neil´s new instant classic memoir, A Paper Life, it´s like Proust, only funner and retarded.  Funner? Yeah, funner.  See you soon. 

Her Math Boards Must Have Been Monsters

Twins

How are the Olsens adjusting to their first year at NYU? One of their fellow frosh weighs in.

Subj: Re: MK Olsen Date: 12/11/2004 From: xxx To: teague157@aol.com

...I don't know that much about them. Everyone says that Ashley is really nice but Mary-Kate is a bitch. Mary-Kate went home [Ed.-home? rehab again?] or something, but I've see Ashley with a friend in Hayden [Ed.--NYU dorm on Washington Square West] a couple of times.
There is one really funny thing that I've heard about Mary-Kate though, my friend told me that the first day she showed up to a intro to Lit class they had together, the professor asked (MK) what her favorite book was, "Tootsie Rolls" Mary Kate answered. Everyone kind of giggled nervously. "Um, that's really interesting Mary Kate, is that the name of a book though? The question was what's your favorite book, not candy," the professor responded. "I don't care. I hate books. I like tootsie rolls." The class erupted....


C'mon, bitch, stop lying. 'Tootsie rolls,' my ass, that's just what your handler programmed you to say so you don't slip and say crack by mistake. And no one cool reads anyway, nerds, so just get over it.

The Obv. Will Tear Us Apart

Hey dudes, need some revenge on your ex? Some JAPie broad didn't put out after you flew her to Europe? Yeah, you could post pictures of her with your load on her face on the web. But you have to ask yourself the question, 'is that really mean enough?' After all, you took the bitch to Europe and not only did she try to save money on the flight and nag you all week like the Jew that she really is -- again, she didn't fuck you. Intolerable. Plus, you want the right people -- not just leper-faced web surfing jerk-off artists -- to see who she really is; like her friends, family and co-workers. How about giving her the literary equivalent of an Abe Lincoln in the Observer? Just say "Upper East Side Girl," everyone will know what you're talking about.

"Get a laxative," I obviously suggested over and over. After feverish and endless transcontinental phone consultations with her mother, she finally agreed. But she took two pills instead of one, so the night we went to the best club on the coast she was devastated by diarrhea. I had never seen such an attractive body and face shaken by opposite disgraces (plus vomiting) within the same week." (NYO -- 2nd item)

That's fucked up, real fucked up.

Out In The Cold

I'm having mad server problems today. So much so that I'm going to have to do something called "walk downstairs" to buy the New York Observer. Somebody told me to look for the salmon colored thingy that costs a dollar, but to be careful because I may purchase something called the Financial Times -- which is all about money, or something. Wait, it's salmon colored? And costs a whole dollar? Ha, ha, right, I see, he's kidding. Seriously? Jesus. And people actually buy it? I'm going to steal the Post though. I don't care how cheap it is.

Even Better Than Herpes

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Can I get a fuck yeah? Just as the horrible turn in American politics, the encroaching winter, and post-marathon blues have conspired to sink me into a deep depression, Dave Peckar and Sylvester Stallone come riding to the rescue with their err--, long awaited glossy, Sly. "Shut up!" you say, "too good to be true." Why not just call it Best Ever mag? you know that's what it is. This thing's going to sell 100,000 copies in one week, because Joe six-pack needs a version of Men's Health that speaks to them. The latter's just way too highbrow, with its preoccupation with printed words.

Anyhow, the gaily-bedecked fashionistas at the Daily have badgered some big cheeses at the major men's monthlies to gauge the reaction of the mediatocracy to Sly. And they're obviously as exhilarated as they are terrified.

“Thanks for thinking of me, but I don’t have too much to say about the impending launch of Sly." -- Dan Peres, Details

"My advice to Sly? I wouldn’t want to say anything that would put a frown on his face. Oh, wait—that’s no longer possible!” -- Dave Zinczenko, Men's Health

Nice, Zinczenko: Referring jokingly to an accident a man suffered at birth when a facial nerve was severed by a pair of forceps, thereby paralyzing half his mouth permanently is always a collegial greeting; especially when his publication is the mutant, retarded offspring of your own. Sly should kick your fucking ass, wiseguy. (Stallonezone) (the Daily)

Somewhere, Murrow Is Smiling

The always reliable hep-cats at CBS news have dug deep into the nation's zeitgeist to discover something called a weblog, or "blog" as they're commonly referred to by computer geeks. Evidently, these "blog operators," actually want people to read their websites. Shut up! That's crazy.

"blog operators...not only don’t care about the veracity of the stories they are spreading, they do not understand when there is a live hand grenade on their keyboard. They appear not to care. Their concern is for controversy and 'hits.'" (CBS)

Yeah, that's way different from network news -- where you get paid money to make up shit to drum up viewers.

Sure It Was

"A review of the concert film 'Fade to Black' in Weekend yesterday misidentified a star appearing in the film with the rapper Jay-Z. She was Foxy Brown, not Lil' Kim. Because of an editing error, a picture caption misidentified the singer dressed all in white. He was R. Kelly, not Jay-Z." (Sat. NYT)

C'mon, that's 0 for 2. Even Steve Dunleavy could do better than that and he hates black people.

What Will Happen To The Likely Lads?

What ever you think about the Libertines and their music; great driving rock & roll, or slick A&R con job, they make a great a soap opera. And this is the best version of it, we've read so far. We just hope Pete Doherty is more Shaun Ryder -- who's at least a survivor -- than Sid Vicious, because we really can't help liking the guy. (Rolling Stone)

Tastes Great, Less Puking

Hit
We don't know what fruit flavored liquid heroin is, but it sure sounds good, and is probably a great way to introduce just-say-no type kids to the horrors of addiction. But, of course, those Bushist narcs that watch our borders had to ruin our fun. We bet if Kerry was president we could drink all the grape-flavored liquid heroin we wanted, and the government would probably even pay for it.

"Nearly 100 fruit juice boxes containing liquid heroin were intercepted Wednesday in a shipment from Colombia, federal officials said." (AP)

Ex-actly... Ex-actly

"Can a people that believes more fervently in the Virgin Birth than in evolution still be called an Enlightened nation?" (NYT)

Joy in Mudville

Even though we hated him as a kid, when he played for the Yankees, we're kind of excited about this new development; Willie Randolph is being named as the manager of the Mets. Not only does he hail from NYC, Bucktown to be precise, he grew up an Amazins' fan and he'll be (not surprisingly) the first Black manager of a Major-league NY club. We can't think of anything better for city baseball, barring perhaps, the extremely unlikely event of the Giants coming back to play in the Polo Grounds. Wait, that's a housing project now. Oh well, we need to cop dope somewhere when the LES is dry. (Lupica) (NYT)

Another Reason To Move To London

"A Channel 4 spokeswoman said that the drama would include lesbian sex scenes but the girls cast would be at least 16." (Mirror)

Well, that last bit should be a comfort to stuffy, moralitic types, at least.

Britslap

What a surprise, kids. Britney Spears and Downtown electro-punk geeks, DFA, have nothing in common.

"When we work with people, we hang out, listen to records, share stuff," says Murphy. "But with Britney we had absolutely no way of communicating. She didn't know anything that we knew." (Voice)

Next time, try a bitch slap, guys. It's obviously working for Federline. Okay, that was wrong. Blame it on Bush.

Best Excuse of All Time

Either Micheal Lohan, Lindsay's dad, is a fellow of Swiftian wit, or he's completely fucktarded. Okay, he's completely fucktarded. Either way, though, the next time our boss asks why we haven't met a deadline -- we'll know exactly what to say.

Mr. Lohan admitted that he’s been difficult to reach this past month "I just got out of the hospital. I had a minor heart attack. And before that, I was on vacation." (NYO)

You're supposed to have the heart attack first, dumbass.

Page Six: Britter's Pregnant

Again

"According to Shar Jackson, Britney Spears is pregnant."

We thought so, a month and a half ago. Wait, lost election, huh -- wha? Oh yeah, we remember now.

Mourning in America

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Boy, what a difference a day makes. Remember all that promise yesterday morning -- the bustling at the polls; It felt like what we imagine a Howard Dean Meet-up might have been like. We're sure at least somebody hooked up with all that wise-cracking and bonding; or at least got some phone numbers.

But, since last night, we have learned that a good many of Americans are so ditch-dirt stupid, that they will vote for their jobs to be outsourced, a new career as a Wal-Mart clerk for six dollars an hour and their children to be blown apart by IOD's for the next ten years, in a war they don’t believe in, just to make sure a small minority of people are barred from loving each other in their own way. We learned that women, the sick, and Gays will take it in the ass for a long time to come. We learned that a candidate of Jewish extraction can be so ineffectual, as to lose the most Jewish votes of any Democratic candidate in history. We learned that people lie to exit polls, so they can look nice, and get tax cuts at the same time. We learned that Bob Shrum has no business advising a candidate. We learned that John Edwards was a useless choice as a running mate. We learned that there is no "cell phone" vote and faced with the choice of "Vote or Die," some would obviously rather die. We learned that Ralph Nader should get a cap in his ass, and his body buried in Idaho. And most of all, we learned that Larry King has no business doing election coverage. God save America, she's lost control. See you at JFK.

Nice Shirt, Dick

Bush
With the fate of the country hanging by a chad today, we think it would be a little facile to post about Paris Hilton's latest girl on girl action, or whatever. This is one day when getting all of are asses up and away from our monitors for a couple of hours (man, that long? -- I've got drugs to score, yo) makes some sense, even here in a blue state -- the popular vote is the best indication of the country's mandate, and if Bush wins the electorate, but loses in the popular tally, at least he and his scumbag cabal will be rattled as fuck; even better, of course, Kerry will win the election.

Republicans Work to Get Out Black Vote

Article2999 (Onion)

Oh Yeah, Ice-T is a Big Dick

It's always nice to see when a celebrity has a good relationship with his fans. That he, you know, remebers where he comes from, and shit. Mr. Ice is one of those fellows, sayeth the famous pimpologist:
"The kind of celebrity I am, I can't be right around people, because they do stupid things, they spill their drinks on you. At this place, they take care of you." (NYT)

So Deep in My Rim, You're Nearly a Part of Me

"Because of an oversight by the Cole Porter estate, one of his loveliest works has become permanently associated with the toilet-bowl cleaner that turned it into 'I've Got You Under My Rim.'" (NYT)

Jesus, Where To Start?

I found so much to fault with Kalefa Sanneh’s lede Arts piece, that I find myself wanting to refute it almost line for line. I won't though. She starts off by advancing the rather reasonable argument that there was no small amount of bathos and hand-wringing around last week’s Ashlee Simpson’s SNL snafu, since all it did was make Miss Simpson look like a dusted fucktard for a moment; no harm, no foul. That Simpson was lip syncing (as so many Pop stars do) is no problem to Sanneh, in fact, to her, it and programs like American Idol are a sign of a healthy, multicultural zeitgeist that should be embraced rather than pilloried by stodgy old white critics who only admire loud, raucous, scruffy singer song-writers. She even suggests a purge of some music criticism's old guard, but, politely begs off from naming them because, as she writes “(now doesn’t seem the right time… ((maybe next week, when her schedule’s more flexible?)).” God, those annoying gadflys, making it hard for poor multi-billion dollar Sony to rake in even more money off hyped karaoke singers; and yet, I doubt Sanneh is a corporate tout – she’s too thoughtful for that role. What else but deep semiotic analysis could come up with a sentence like:

“You can argue that the shape-shifting feminist hip-pop of Ms. Aguilera is every bit as radical as the punk rock of the 1970's (and it is),”

Music criticism never made me want to scream before. How could Times cultural editors allow such unadulterated bullshit on their watch? Subjectivism run amok. Take that shit to the NY Press. Punk Rock was a real insurgency, a (failed) revolution really, borne in the UK of stultifying classism, joblessness and despair created by failed Labour government policies; the very policies that were set to address those same ills. Aguilera was a fucking a Mouseketeer for God’s sake! And now she's a skank. That's radical?

In any case, it’s clear that the writer hates, and has no concept of Rock music. Her misunderstanding of the subject is so vast that she mistakenly uses the word “Pop” when she means “top forty.” White “rockists” don’t like Pop, Sanneh argues. Oh, they don't? What about The Pixies, U2, Modest Mouse, Broken Social Scene and the fucking Beach Boys for that matter.

But, what is strangest about Sanneh’s piece to me is that she misses the best chance to persuade her case: mainly, that corporate control of artists can make music that sounds really groovy: Motown, baby. Berry Gordy and his minions manufactured achingly, beautiful Pop music needing little authenticity – the singers didn’t write their own music and one of his his acts, Little Anthony, was lip syncing "Tears on my Pillow" on American Bandstand thirty-five years ago. Instead, she compares Mariah Carey favorably with Nirvana. “…When did we all agree that Nirvana's neo-punk was more respectable than Ms. Carey's neo-disco?” We didn’t have to agree, it was just a given.

They Cost About the Same, But One is a Hell of a Lot More Fun

"...thanks largely to the mania for televised poker, a night out for adolescent boys (and it is virtually all boys) in nearly any suburban town these days almost invariably takes the form of a marathon game with stakes as low as the $5 buy-in at this game or considerably higher at some impromptu tournaments."
Really? Because when I was fourteen a night out with my friends invariably took the form of getting stoned on weed, piss drunk and passing out in a park. No doubt, the times, they-are-a-changin'. (NYT)

I Can't Limbo Anymore

Ed note: In one's desire to make this space popular, I might have taken Mencken's aphorism (paraphrased) 'no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American people' a little too far. Ironically, an addage that is completely absurd as applied to the activity of blogging considering there is not a brass farthing in it for 99% of its participants. In any case, this blog (when operating at all), as of late, has trafficked in mostly the lowest-brow of material. And it shows (see comment section). And it bores me. The choice is clear: either quit blogging or start blogging about subjects with a bit more gravitas and interest to me. As I move into more contemplative areas (think piece on the Ronson sisters, anyone?), I'd appreciate some feedback. Thanks. Of course, my ultimate goal in life is still to write a gossip column (all that slimy peddling of dirt. Mmm… Delicious) -- just not an unoriginal one.

Another Brit Slip

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Brit6
Marriage, obviously, has not slowed Britney down a bit. In fact, lately, she seems to be dying to throw off the confining yoke of oppresssive, Victorian low-slung jeans and belly shirts. Is Ladbrokes giving odds on when she'll finally show some real skin already? Like, all, 3-1 for nippage, 20-1 for some furbage, or all, 500-1 she'll blow Federline in front of a gaggle of paparazzi? Oh, wait -- right, our bad, she already did that. Oh, what the fuck. Who are we kidding, man? We just want to see this bitch naked already. And this blog has officially scraped rock-bottom.