Anonymous Outsider

Tastes Great, Less Puking

We don't know what fruit flavored liquid heroin is, but it sure sounds good, and is probably a great way to introduce just-say-no type kids to the horrors of addiction. But, of course, those Bushist narcs that watch our borders had to ruin our fun. We bet if Kerry was president we could drink all the grape-flavored liquid heroin we wanted, and the government would probably even pay for it.

"Nearly 100 fruit juice boxes containing liquid heroin were intercepted Wednesday in a shipment from Colombia, federal officials said." (AP)

Joy in Mudville

Even though we hated him as a kid, when he played for the Yankees, we're kind of excited about this new development; Willie Randolph is being named as the manager of the Mets. Not only does he hail from NYC, Bucktown to be precise, he grew up an Amazins' fan and he'll be (not surprisingly) the first Black manager of a Major-league NY club. We can't think of anything better for city baseball, barring perhaps, the extremely unlikely event of the Giants coming back to play in the Polo Grounds. Wait, that's a housing project now. Oh well, we need to cop dope somewhere when the LES is dry. (Lupica) (NYT)

Good News For Alcoholics

A NY judge has ruled, in effect, that jurors may drink -- and get drunk -- during deliberations. This seems like especially good news for those having to serve on white-collar cases which, we hear, can be boring as hell.

"The justice, in her opinion, relied on a 1987 United States Supreme Court decision involving a jury that made Juror No. 4 look like a Calvinist preacher. Those jurors, in a case that was later heard by the United States Court of Appeals for the 11th Circuit, drank, used cocaine, smoked marijuana, sold drugs to one another and slept through a conspiracy and fraud trial that one juror called 'one big party.'"

Yeah, sure, but you could do a whole lot of cool stuff in the city back in the 80's and not get nabbed for it. (NYT)

Smash and Grab

Up against the wall motherfucker! In a truly postmodern development a couple of hangun toting desperados ripped off Edward Munch's famous (and favorite of College Sophmores everywhere) "The Scream," in broad, daylight from a crowded museum in Oslo where it was housed:

"With at least 70 people in the Munch Museum yesterday morning, there was no shortage of witness accounts. 'I saw one of the men put a gun right behind a guard's head,' said Richard Marcus, 63, of Texas. 'What was almost the most shocking thing was seeing a gun being used here in Oslo. (Ed. -- Of course, if ol' Richard was back in Texas he would have shot the thieves himself.)'"

Unfortunetely, these fellows probably weren't interested in creating a semiotic masterpiece and are going to try and ransom off the painting.

Gropy Girl

First there was "poopy pants," now there's gropy girl. A tape made by Scarsdale High School students, in what has been described as both a sexual "encounter," and lesbian "assault," filmed during Spring Break, is now in the hands of the Scarsdale Police, who are investigating it (um, investigating? uh-huh).

"One of the girls, who appeared drunk in the video, resisted attempts by the other girl to grope her breasts, according to a sophomore and a senior at the high school who saw the tape... At one point a breast is visible as the girl resists the groping while repeatedly saying "no," the students who saw the video said."

The community is, of course, completely and utterly shocked. Gee, I wonder what gave this fledgling auteur the idea to tape girls getting freaky with each other when they're wasted? Girls Gone Wild, maybe? Like, it was in the Times Style Section. Anyhoo, imagine how the groper and her parents are feeling right now? "Oh, there goes that lesbian groper and her parents, Muffy dear." They'll hear. At church, school, the supermarket, etc., etc. Meanwhile, the nerds that missed the party are hating their lives more than ever. (NYT)

CNN Fashion Emergency

Finally, something has interested me about Reagan's funeral. What are the good, salt of the earth folks who are coming out for the ceremony wearing? Paul Smith? Versace? Storm-Trooper uniforms? As it happens, some old-fashioned Republicans are surprised at the lack of couth that the majority of Americans have for the late president. The throngs, afraid of heat-stroke, are forsaking their Sunday attire and showing up in shorts, tee-shirts, flip-flops and even micro-mini's.

Tim Beadle, 21, a University of Maryland student, said he dressed for the weather in shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops. He said he saw people fainting outside....
He said he was properly respectful when he passed Reagan's coffin.
"I took off my hat," he said. (WP)

Joan Collins Blames it on the Blacks

If you thought Jackie Collins was the only Collins sister with a literary bent you were wrong. Joan Collins, in her new capacity as the face ("I'm ready for my closeup Mr. DeMille") of the anti-EU UK Independence party has written an opinion piece for "Lord" Black's conservative Spectator magazine. In it she decries that Asians and Blacks are running rampant in the streeets, pulling out their huge penises and harrassing the fair white daughters of Olde England. What happened to the days when a pretty white girl could drop her knickers for Hollywood producers and business magnates without being harrassed by a bunch of Wogs and darkies, yeesh?

"The 17-year-old daughter of a friend of mine was recently travelling with a girlfriend in broad daylight on a train from the country into London. Their carriage was empty, as was most of the train, until a group of Asian youths came aboard. Within minutes the 12 angry men clocked the girls and started making suggestive and lewd remarks. Although terrified, the girls ignored them, which infuriated the boys, thus prompting them to undo their trousers and expose themselves." (UK Spectator--Reg req)

The Princess and the Pea

Village eatery and media hotspot DaSilvanos was center to even more animosity than usual yesterday when "Princess" Michael of Kent (Micheal, isn't that a boy's name?) told a group of Black diners to "go back to the colonies," because she was bothered by the volume of their conversation. Michael, the mother of "Lady" Gabriella Windsor (pictured left), when confronted by one of the diners she insulted, denied uttering the offensive words, sort of: "'I did not say 'back to the colonies I said 'you should remember the colonies.' Back in the days of the colonies, there were rules that were very good.'" Err, okay, me lady, in that case, you're off the hook! (Evening Standard) (NYP)

God Comes Out in Favor of Gay Marriage

Proving that he's a good liberal after all, God came out in favor of gay marriage yesterday. Although the message came from an unlikely source, a letter to opera singer Beverly Sills from her stalker, Victoria Glover -- experts note that most messages from God throughout history have come from the seemingly disenfranchised -- its meaning was crystal clear: "Please marry me, Beverly, so I don't go mad. I can't live without a woman. ...God said we can be married." Victoria's grandmother, Marie Glover, confirmed that, indeed, "God was talking to (Victoria)." As further proof of the edict's supreme authority, Ms. Glover signed the marriage proposal letter "Jesus Emmanuel." Despite this, right-wing Christians have not, as yet, apologized to gays for fighting against their God-given right to marriage. (Reuters)

Have a Good Weekend

It's all college graduation season again. All over the country parents will be walking out of auditoriums in a huff, because some moderate Democrat offended their delicate fascist sensibilities: "I paid $600,000 dollars so that Junior could graduate from this ivied Mammon, he comes home wearing a dress and now Bob Schieffer tells me I should like it!" fathers will say, dragging their wife in tow. Of course, in the end the old man will cry and pat his new transgender offspring on the back -- a testemant to the American spirit, indeed. What the hell were we talking about again? Oh yeah, commencement. Here's Jon Stewert, at William & Mary:

"I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured."